There is no room for honesty in Kenya and politics.

Someone once said the guilty flee when no one persueth and sadly that is the case in Kenya. When we think things are tight or the noose is tightening, even in our minds we get that flight and flee feeling. Thus Kenya can be classified into a country of Thugs and proud of it. We gladly call Nairobi Nairobbery and think nothing of it. Look at Goldenberg (not the wrestler but he was mad cool), Anglo Leasing (eat everything even the scraps on the floor mentality), Land Grabbing (Mau forest and we still discussing how to ask people to leave), Utumishi Kwa Wote otherwise known as Kenya Police (the ultimate legitimate gang in Kenya) and, the media (publishes alarming stories just to make a sale). Makes you think of the Kenyans ability to look for a quick buck. It has to be said, matter of fact, if we were to literally apply ourselves imagine where Kenya would be. Case in point, what were you doing at 25? At 25 one Kamlesh was having chai, mandazi na arrow roots with the main CEO of Kenya at the time and convincing him without a doubt that his pyramid scheme was the ultimate pesa pap idea and the Family Bank and Equity Bank of the time had nothing on his idea. Speaking of the banks of that era, what happened to Trade bank, Euro Bank, Dhabiti Finance etc? Anglo leasing was just a robbery like G4S but, gone wrong. The rule of thumb is when you are making away with something be discrete but this idiots were on a roll that you could hear coins fall on a heavy carpet cause of the huge numbers involved. Land grabbing, where do I start? When we were growing up we were told to be apprehensive of certain tribes because they were either war like or just thugs but as we got older and the 1990 land clashes came about, we came to realize it's all about land and "lack of it." You then have some mad individuals who then conspire and grab public access roads, schools and forests and then yell at the top of their voices that their communities are being marginalized because they are being asked in not to subtle terms to return the land of else. WOULD YOU ASK A THIEF, TO RETURN YOUR CAR OR ELSE?

The Kenya police, their slogan translated means helping everyone but to the general public it can be translated differently depending on the side of the economic divide you sit on. No wonder the general public has become less tolerant of their bully tactics and a few individuals decided to teach some members of the "disciplined" force a lesson or two after watching some kung fu panda. Incidentally the traffic incident where the police man thumps the driver with the handcuffs till he's bleeding before the driver decides enough is enough is comical. The fourth estate is also another quandary we have. They have always been seen as the first teacher with a ruler using it to warp the knuckles of the government on behalf of the oppressed but has been bought by politicians. They only cover certain news items and disregard the rest unless paid. No wonder people like Alfie Mutua have jobs. Depending on how you want your news packaged, you can then decide which channel to tune to for the 9p.m news daily. What the fourth estate forgets, is that the government recently tried to introduce a media bill that will not only gag them but make them just as helpless as the people n Kibera waiting for permanent toilets and getting flying ones. The lesson here is that even the smallest whistle blower can generate interest and stop a colossal giant like goldenberg, JUST ASK THE WORLD AND THE WIKILEAKS FIASCO.

I'm not a conspiracy theorists but at times I just have to give my 2 cents worth. I watched Jeff K the other day interviewing some odiero on capital talk and was very amused by his interpretation of what the ICC and Hague is and deciphered it for the common layperson as Europe's Guantanamo. What I don't get is why we are jumping the gun? All the ICC and Ocampo did was mention and not rule on the guilty but in all honesty Ocampo has people in mind and does not know how to prosecute thus he gets a few who he knows will sing like canaries and tell on the rest and thus create a domino effect. I still say let them accept the consequences and confess, if you are innocent the truth will come out and it will be no skin off your back. We are in the neonate of the new year and though we cannot look at the year as an infant, March should prove to be an eye opener month for the famous 6. In other news Kati Kati vice president Kalonzo and the KKK want us to give the Kenyan judiciary a chance to get the truth out. The same judiciary that could not tell us anything concrete about the assignation of Tom Mboya, Pio Gama Pinto, JM Kariuki, Dr. Robert Ouko, Bishop Muge and countless others plus the reasons of the clashes we have experienced in Molo, Kayabombo and the PEV. Its like putting your trust in a Lion as a guard dog and thinking he will not turn on you on day.

After having a drink with the drink tank (think tank) we concluded that in Kenya where someone is arrested and jailed for 10 years for stealing a chicken and the garbage that rapes a small girl gets 2 years, the famous 6 chaps will be out in 2 months going about having lunch at Serena while plotting for 2012. if we can't trust the police who we think are the most corrupt people next to Nigerians, our questionable learned friends who steal clients money or delay cases until we have lost interest, judges who are said to be corrupt, being corrupted by the learned friends and until to date, some have never been cleared of the charges and now don't want to be vetted before they sit on the bench least the skeletons tumble out of the closet and, last but not least, witnesses who retract statements whenever they feel like after their "conscience" nags them into confessing nothing but the "truth". Please note that to date nothing ever happens to those who bear false witness, incidentally where are those 2 witnesses of Rutos from last year?

We are now back to the Mututho laws. The AM (after Mututho) period was short lived and Kenyans enjoyed a January Christmas but little did we know it would be hot lived. The law is now back in effect thanks to some judge who thinks the pros out weight the cons (hey but at least he can have a drink at 10 in the morning courtesy of being a member of a private club) and the mboys in blue are busy making sure they continue having nyama choma kila ski kama kawaida as they arrest us for quenching our thirst in this mad January sun.

The UK after 700 years of democracy finally has a female Attorney General. Question is, do you think Kenya is ready and if we are, who would be our ideal candidate? Let me know of some of the women who could lead the country and we'll try tell the old generation that we should move on chap chap in Africa. The tax man also recently announced that he collect 303 Billion between July '09 and Dec '09. That figure is so astounding that if you were left to count that amount as your own, Dr. Njenga would be standing by your steaming head trying to talk you back to sanity. Furthermore they say they were short by 1% of their target. Give me 1% of that amount and see how self actualization can be achieved. I would buy different colored Vitz (just because I can, not cause they are likable) and litter Nairobi until the NCC realize what a nuisance the vitz lawnmower is and ban them. After mission accomplished, i would visit the nice show room in industrial area where my girlfriend Range Rover is waiting and point as i demand her to come out of hiding. next stop would be Thika rod for a quick chat with the Ghanaian MD personally delivering my beverage of choice Johnny Walker at conducive temperature, taste and liking on a weekly rate while announcing and paying in cash a lifetime supply before finally moving to live on my personal coconut island with my wife.

Then we have something that irked me more than anything. More than 100 Kenyan tribal elders and kings led by their Chairperson Kamlesh Pattni (LOL, ROF) flew to dust Vegas (not Ukambani) desert of Libya to crown Col. Gaddafi of Libya king of Africa. As in WTF? When did we vote as any community to have the biggest and most notorious scam artist and architect of goldenberg as Chairman of that group of people or should I call them idlers after this last stunt? Furthermore when did we decide to be ruled by one desert dweller and his camels and, become a tribe under him and the scorpions in the desert? There was no referendum conducted that I can recall, No promulgation after the referendum vote, No holiday to commemorate and help us drink and digest, nothing what so ever. I love fish and not dates as a meal there go this chain of thought has been evicted from the chain of thought.

MP or should it be former MP Simon Mbugua of Kamkunji lost his seat as was expected. The judge said he had compromised the returning officer way before the counting. Say it as it is, he bought/paid/acquired/purchased the RO's loyalty kama kawaida and was announced winner before the chap riding the camel came about. BTW what was that stunt of riding a camel in the city center, at the law courts and in the CBD and where was Utumishi? You try it tomorrow and watch how you can be made to understand why Nyayo House existed. Mbugua becomes the 8th geezer to be kicked out of parliament. I think they should be forced to repay the salaries they had fraudulently gotten over the period as they masqueraded as the member of parliament.

Finally I would like to give Kenyans an admonitory in the way we think and vote in garbage into our parliaments. In animal farm the animals got the leader they deserved and only realized their mistake when it was too late. Will we follow suit or stop before we all jump over the cliff?

Usipigiye Mbuzi Guitar

Greetings watus, hope everybody has had a weekend of abusing beverages courtesy of our reprieve from the high courts. It's been a long couple of weeks and christmas was spoiled by the very crazy and non thinking Mututho who callously decided to impose on the citizens of Kenya his own house rules that govern his ka shack in his homestead. As a result, christmas was ruined, Santa did not see fit to visit Kenyans cause of their backtracking attitude to things when they commit to a course of action (Read ICC saga) and of course t further teach us a lesson, the drought we were warned about is here and we all seem shocked and flabbergasted (how dare the drought, BAD DROUGHT, NAUGHTY DROUGHT). People for once the metrological department predicted something and we thought they were lying (reminds me bout the story of the boy who cried wolf one to many times).

Anyway, I have been thinking of what to write and been baffled by the nonsense I see daily. I have taken to giving news a wide berth unless it's its like a round up of news done in like 5-10mins max. We have the Kirima soap about to take off for a crazy season 2 now that the old man has gone to a better place (Rest In Peace). Incidentally in my opinion all the lazy bastard waiting for their parents to turn up ones toes, should be summoned by their parents and after a heavy lunch of like 3 hours where they are stuffed and cant run away, should be given a pen and paper and made to write up all the assists they own and then divide it equally with the folks before they chip then they can claim their own or want half. Where were you when they toiled for there pennies? Moving on, Kirima was like the original Kenyan homegrown entrepreneur, honest and hard working and principled, by what we have heard and read. Imagine our current crop of politicians sticking to their guns and making money the honest way and standing by their principles (Ruto stop chest thumping and quit already). He started numerous businesses and they were a success. Even in times of defeat he still stood tall e.g. when he lost his parliamentary seat he walked into DT Dobie in a fit of anger and bought a show room Mercedes and not went crying around and saying the votes were stollen, lets fight or go to court if you don't give me "my seat" as is the current trend. He knew the people had spoken and chosen their leader. Then comes the funeral and our retired president baba Moi aka Baba Giddy aka Heavy D stands up to talk about past deeds and jumps into other things that should not be discussed at a funeral I.E like the constitution and how we should change it. I say NOT!!! There is no need to cry over spilt milk, so like the saying goes thus get over it, Kenyans voted and are moving on why cant you. The captain aka Raila then stands up to address him as Nyayo amesema and all of a sudden it is a big issue and we should all stop and grab a big stick to cain him. As in WHAT!!! Listen i know the bible says forgive him who has wronged you by infinite but common people, if you locked me up in a dark water logged cell, had my balls squeezed till i confessed i was the real alien from the movie predator and subjected my wife and kids to 8 years with out me earning me the title of the longest detained person surely, you don't expect me to forget and let by gone be by gones. Respect is earned and not demanded. Incidentally two wrongs don't make a right, 3 strokes of the cain each for misbehaving in public.

We also have the government being a twat as always and trying to treat us like sheep and goats. Occasionally the romobo (sheep in jeng) will deviate from plans and as such they would have us believe that our hard earned money that we are taxed and do not see roads or any other infrastructure development going towards is better used to pay legal fees for some idiots who did not think that their crimes would catch up with them. We are told it is in our best interests and that America is not a member of the Rome statute thus we should not be. Hello, was it America that fought and almost degenerated into civil strife due to elections and doggy results in 2008? Let me quote a friend of mine "My recollection is that Mungiki is proscribed by law. The allegations are, if I recall-that Uhuru organized Mungiki, Muthaura instructed Ali to let Mungiki execute their mission. Ali did so. How then could this be in line with their duties? Why should my TAX money be used to defend people charged with murder?". Thus in the logic of nitapita katikati, If a teacher is ordered by the headmaster to cain a student until he/she dies, is that within the "rules" and will Kalonzo wake up and try to get prominence and airtime by shouting he was following orders and working within the legal frame/parameters of their job and as such the school or board of governors should pay for the teachers legal fees? What bullshit and pile of mare are you sling to Kenyans? Kalonzo should stop trying to lie to Kenyans as we all know the color of his spots.

Which brings me to ODM and the KKK alliance which in my opinion is a sham just like the pyramid scheme known as 6969. These people are using their tribes and communities to promote ethnic tension and animosity and as such the NCIC should step in and arraign them in court for incitement. Ruto needs to be like Martha Karua or Raila when he left Ford Kenya for NDP, move on resign and be reelected on that fiction party. You don't call press conferences every other day and threaten to quit, just man up and do it already. The age of the school boy bully is over and to top it off, the two principles should take back there balls and fire them 5 retards and let nature take it's course. You shall be judged by your deeds and the hopefully unforgiving watus of Kenya for your lack of commitment. ODM on the other hand should suck a thumb and just support their man and woman on the down low. We all wanted a different anti corruption commission and a tenacious bulldog heading it and we finally got a no nonsense on in PLO. The fact that he is going after Kosgey and Ngilu is a no brainer issue. Ngilu was given a two edged sword known as the ministry of water. If she did not sort her home first she would be accused of playing politics and if she did not sort our other places in Kenya the same. As far as I know, Kao land has always been known as dust vegas, in my opinion charity begins at home (no pun intended). As for Kosgey hey the chap forgot the Moi and Kanu era were gone and decided to do it his way. Now the vultures are circling and want a taste especially since he's the chairman of the ODM party and point man for the Kale community. Dude ask for leniency, pay the fine and walk away as your lawyers need you focus on the Hague issue.

Finally to an issue I think is so stupid that the ministry of education officials from the minister himself should be publicly flogged at Uhuru Park for their moronic and mutton headed daft ideas. Why would you penalize and kid for going to a private school by denying them an opportunity to excel? Do your kids go to public schools? Is it not the wish of all parents to give their children a helping hand and the best opportunity to succeed in this harsh and cruel world? Instead of focusing on creating a better education system and improving the quality of education in our public schools, we choose instead to handicap them and blame the rest for trying. Then they come up with increasing the number of students set to join provincial schools but not improve on the facilities or add teachers. We have thousands of educated teachers looking for jobs and willing to be posted wherever the job is because jobs are scarce but we decide not to utilize them and instead keep the old "tested" ones who score 11% in a subject they have been teaching for 22 years and expect your children to pass by 90% and above. The level asinine ideas that the "bright minded" government officials have leaves a lot to be desired. I say time has come to vote out this lethargic politicians and civil servants to look at their toes under the mango tree in their 1/8th of an acre if they did not work hard enough to own a couple of acres of farming land as a retirement plan.

A friend of mine made a comment this past sunday that cracked me up but at the same time made me realize the truth on some issues, thus the heading of this blog today: Usipigiye mbuzi guitar-meaning do not play for the goat the guitar cause it's a waste of time.

Luo women

I came across this email and had a laugh about our Luo women and thought i should share the humour.

Nyar Kisumu Karateng' - very big headed, proud and will come to funerals with their own food and cooks

Nyar Seme - very big headed too and Okia tedo, you will die of chips funga

Nyar Alego - Wuoyo mangeny, talk talk talk

Nyar Uyoma - just want to stay at home no work

Nyar Kindu - light and knows how to treat her husband but, uta toa pesa

Nyar Gem - Very educated, kendo Riek and very nyuomable

Nyar Sakwa - Olil ok ohero luokore

Nyar Ugenya - will introduce your entire clan to Legio Maria

Nyar Gwasi - very jumpy, will dump you for a sugar cane harvester

Nyar Suba - will stick around as long as you live near a lake, fishing is in her blood

Nyar Ramba - Orudo malich ok wachi ladies from Ramba know how to make big ugali

Nyar Kanyikela - Kwoto Kong'o kagimoro nono. Drinks uji in big mouthfull portions

Nyar Chula - Ohero bando (roasted maize), chamo abula matek can u imagine bando for supper gi strungi

Nyar Nyakach - Nyi omieri gi are in love with orego rego yaani unga ya kusiaga, gin wach mok packet gikia (Health conscious)

Nyar Awendo - Muodo niang? matek, can finish a whole acre of sugarcane before your next harvest

Nyar Kisumu town a.k.a Nyosumo - ? Just give her 4 things: Ohangla, Bodaboda, Guinness Kubwa na Looting

Nyar Sakwa Kodera - Mayoo! Muodo kidi marach,ni gi manyo calcium

Nyar Asembo - Piny maber ma wachamoe mawembe lakini uolo wa gi chai moto e bakul and plastic cups, style up uru yawa

Nyar Yimbo - unyuoloru ma, nyithindo dozen with age difference of 6 months, yawa hamuwezi kuchill

Nyar Kanyada - Ohero dhi dwar (hunters and gatherers) gi manyo apuoyo (rabbit) e bungu at this age and time they still practice this. Nyar Kabuoch - Afadhali mkosane, hata umnunulie stove gi paraffin to nyaka odhi motoo (gathering firewood in the bush)

Nyar Kochia - Rabuon gi nyuka breakfast, rabuon gi nyuka lunch, rabuon gi nyuka supper

Nyar Kokoth ? mano to kanye?

Nyar Kano - Ohero muono, kata ilos ne od simiti, she must look for cowdung mar muono ot

Nyar Kamagambo and Kanyamwa combined - nyodho nguru ka big G

Nyar Kasipul Kabondo - Mariewa dwa nega!

Nyi kaspul tedo soghurm like there is no tomorrow.

Please share and pass this along to every Luo Chick you know! It may just bring that lazy smile to her face!!!

2K11

It’s a new year and 2011 has started off with a bang. Everywhere i turn to i see people talking about the last year and what they did or did not archive, how they are grateful to the man upstairs for everything (by the way in this time of gender sensitivity we should say the man/lady upstairs). Sneers and cheers follow that statement. Anyway, lets recap what we as Kenyans have gone through in the last year.

First we were reminded of how lazy and selfish our legislators are. They will quickly rally to add their pay packages and perks in what would be described as a tsunami of votes. They also rally to support one of there own when in trouble even though it is there for all to see as plain as the night or day. They showed us that some of them do not understand the issues at hand or what the Wanjikus want. That is the Kenyan legislator for you, selfish and self serving while they claim to act in the interests of those who gave them the votes and power. But they did also give us the second liberation in the name of a new constitution and for that we are grateful. We now know our rights and the euphoria that we feel when discussing basic human rights as a Kenyan, as a woman and as a child will undoubtedly make us proud as a nation and help build the country we want and need. We also saw how not only them but the watus can quickly rally and forget that 2 years ago 1200 people died that we know off and 500,000 were displaced (those are the ones that are registered in camps).

in 2010, We saw political sycophants running to play the political card and chest thump in a bid to reap on the tragedy that was PEV and the Hague 6. Some have come up with the most ludicrous reasons that have made the best bar jokes e.g.. Muthaura says it is all nonsense after hurriedly swearing the president, chairing the security council and being secretary of the cabinet you can not say u do not know or were not privy to the on goings as a key cog in the government machinery.. Most had the standard line we all love... they are damaging my reputation/ they have been sent to fix me. I say, shame on them. Naughty children should be treated accordingly

Corruption still runs rampant in our country and has claimed the scalp of some of our ministers and parastatal heads and some cheeky diplomats have also stated that someone we know is the most corrupt minister to ever be in government. Some politicians say they know what happened and what cased it but as always it’s a case of shouting after the rugby match. Here’s a question, why have you not come up and stated your peace before, and why do you only do so to even numbers or when it suits a political purpose? Some politicians have lived in the city for so long they have become concrete giraffes. They only see how it can be expanded and forget that we need greenery to farm and grow our vegetables as well as beautify our surroundings. Thus the Mau saga and some “clever” politicians saying forests don't help in bringing about rain. I will not suffer and live in darkness because of some silly persons notion of political gain, it’s simple SAVE OUR FORESTS. Who remembers when the running joke was what does KPLC stand for? (BTW the answer was Kenya Paraffin, Lanterns and Candles). I say, we shall all bear our own crosses at judgment.

in other news, the government has imposed a cap on fuel prices. a move last seen in the 70’s. Hooray to the government. In addition we have also excelled in some sports, congratulations to Rudisha who made us forget some fellow called Bolt was even here and the ladies run like they were chasing a few good men. Endelea hivyo hivyo. Gor Mahia, Tusker FC, Ulinzi (congratulations to the champs), AFC Leopards etc made us proud and taught us the true meaning of soccer made in Kenya. As for the national team Harambee Stars, there are no words to express the disappointment but hope it is short lived. Kenya 7's had an outstanding year all in all but stumbled and fell flat in the close of the year. Is it a case of the coach has taken us as far as he can or is it the team selection, well the season just began and they might have a chance to be the Kenya Harlequins of 7's rugby. (P.S. go Quins for what is undoubtedly the finest season i have seen in a long long time).

Back at the ranch we look forward to the working Kenya we were once told by the country's CEO and it includes mortgaging our infrastructure to the foreigners (if it makes us have roads, buildings, IT, etc i’m for it), buying China products with unique and quirky names, yelling and back tracking on issues (lets not be vague, go Hague), passing mundane laws that bring about unemployment (alcohol bill), forming commissions which in my opinion are the best pyramid schemes almost rivaling the new get rich quick games that have numbers such as 6969, 2010, 5656 etc and last but not least implementing the constitution as we shout at each other like chicken farmers haggling over what i do not know and dare i say, 70% of them might not come back to heckle in 2012 as they will be chilling under the mango tree looking at there toes and lamenting there loan repayment.

It’s too early to judge but lets adopt the wait and see method.

To quote a popular phrase, "even in times of attitude Kenya, we are all Kenyan all the time". Good luck and happy new year.