A Naked Kenyan Man Jumps Into Field And Interrupts A Rugby World Cup Game In New Zealand

A Naked Kenyan Man Jumps Into Field And Interrupts A Rugby World Cup Game In New Zealand

All for the love of the game.

Inflation, lies and liars

It's been a while since I sat down to rumble and in that time a lot has changed. Not only is maize that is used to make unga ya ugly the staple meal in Kenyan homes reached an unattainable level but, following in its foot steps is the commodity sugar. Sugar has reached the price of Ksh.220 a kilo and continues to rise due to the fact factories do not have enough cane to grind into sugar. The scarcity is caused by the millers not paying farmers on time for their produce and as a result farmers have shied away from farming the commodity.  The farmers are paid at the connivence of the companies at a time when the money is of no need to the poor farmers, their starving families and uneducated children chased away from school due to late payment of fees. Sugar is a key ingredient in some of our daily intakes more than we realize e.g making bread, cakes, sweets, ice cream, jam, mixing with our tea and coffee, etc. Try drinking porridge without sugar, the taste is akin to drinking the dreaded Scotts Emulsion Cod Liver Oil and trust you me, it is an acquired taste. The very thought of which makes me break into fear induced sweat and panic that my mother is around the corner with a spoonful. Inflation is still rising and rampant, fuel is more expensive than beer and the government still thinks expanding the constituencies and number of mpigs coming to parliament in the next elections plus the failure of the current jokers to pay taxes is the norm in its day to day activities of hoodwinking the public, from this self actualization money making pyramid scheme packaged as helping the Wanjikus and Otienos. The time of reckoning is near, fool me once shame on me, fool me twice….Well I hope Kenyans get the picture.

Rumor has it that corporate Kenya is just but a joke. A couple of weeks ago, the great initiative Kenyans4Kenya (K4K) had a corporate pledge day and raised over 300million in a matter of hours for the starving Kenyans at a Serena Breakfast. It now turns out that some companies were all but empty chest thumpers in the end. They unashamedly basked in the boastful public relations they got and slithered back to their shells. They issued dummy checks and no real money to-date. I hope they style up and do what is right sooner rather than later and the K4K chaps publish they're names in the papers. As Spike Lee said, "Do the right thing". Meanwhile, confusion still reigns in the cabinet. The government approved deployment of the military and NYS to distribute relief food at a time when Alfie claimed no one was dying from hunger in Kenya but, the minister for special projects Esther Murugi said relief food should not be distributed because some unscrupulous individuals in the government were cashing in by stealing and reselling the relief food to the general public. My question is this Esther, if you were the CEO of a company, do you stop selling your product to the customer because some of your employees are taking advantage and stealing the products and reselling or do you simply fire the said employees and reign in the rest with tough measures? Its like one of my friends said previously, our leaders simply lack the intellectual capacity or aptitude to comprehend and avert the crisis. The term fix the problem not the blame simply surmises this situation.

My friend Raila J otherwise known as Junior got married this past weekend at Windsor country club, congratulations to him and his new wife Yvonne and, welcome to the club. Drinks on me at our usual corner hide away when you come back from the honeymoon. The saga on the side was the main attraction to this event. The clamor for the wedding invitations was ridiculous as I heard people wanted to be seen attending a political elite wedding not because they were happy for the couple but, because it was a social event of epic proportions where in attendance were retired President Moi affectionately known as Nyayo aka the Professor of Politics, the new AG Githu Muigai, mpigs and ministers, among other honored guests. With a guest list of about 1200 people, there were people who tried calling him for wedding invitations who I hope had the decency to at least buy them a decent gift as they start their new life together. Weddings have become a social extravaganza that does not take into account what the couple want or the fact that people are coming together to share in the joy of the momentous occasion, but rather a feeding occasion where people come and eat your pilau for free and demand a beverage or ten without chipping in with a present for the bride and groom.

The Hague show is back, *say it like The Chapelle Show* and this time it is more serious plus the cast are certainly on edge and realize the gravity of the situation. Some have already tried the usual Kenyan political speeches like it will make a difference but alas were shut down quickly by the no nonsense judge and a bored Ocampo. Rutos pleas for mercy were just a joke. He thought he was applying to the mercy academy, Ruto fight and go down swinging not sniveling it was not me after showing us false bravado back home. The Oscar for the best comment has got to be from Ruto and his team, " The devil was clearly in Kenya at the time of PEV but not at the. Invitation of Ruto" classic sound bite. To further make things worse, the kijana with the brand Kenya hat and the dwarf (no pun intended) were shown last night on citizen TV trying to enjoy their Sunday at the Hague mean while trying to show the public how miserable they are. The result was comedy to rival Mr. Bean. Ruto claimed he went looking for a church that Sunday morning, namely the AIC Church. Now I'm no rocket scientist Mr. Ruto but AIC means African Inland Church……in Africa, no prizes to guess he did not find one, the idiot. The other piece was him writing his name in the Sand and trying to teach some odiero kids who did not care that he is a heckler back in the Kenyan parliament and officially known as MP or as I like to call them, Mpigs. The icing on the cake was the midget building a sand castle in the sand..HILARIOUS!!!!! I know PR works very well and Gina Din can spin it well but come on fellows, if that was your attempt to show Kenyans that things are quagmire there, you failed miserably. All we got was a Paswa moment of epic proportions.

Soccer season is finally back with the start of the EPL and all I can say is shame on Wenger and the Arsenal supporters. In case you don't live on this planet earth, the red machine affectionately known as the red devils aka Manchester United thrashed into silence the ever blank shooting gunners by 8 goals to 2. The number of excuses I have heard in the past week from arsenal supporters is ridiculous, at least get Alfie and his people to help you get a spin after that gigantic loss to the great Manchester United. It has spawned many a joke including "I was alive when arsenal were hit 8-2 by Man Utd" and " if I had a child when arsenal last won a trophy or saucer, he/she would be in standard 1" among many more hilarious and witty comments. If you listened to Maina Kageni on his morning how the following day on Classic FM, as an arsenal supporter, suicide alert would have been the order of the day. This season might see one of my dreams realized and that is for Arsenal to go play in the second division otherwise referred to as the coke a cola cup.

In other news, Kenyan athletes have decided to take off the gloves a year before the Olympics and have served notice in the recently concluded Degue world championships in Korea. The ladies and gentlemen of athletics did Kenya and Africa proud by being number 3 and number 1 in the medals table respectively. We even got to the finals of the 4*400 meters men and came out 6th due to a Barton handing over Faux Pax but we'll get it right the next time. Kudos to the Kenyan athletes, keep flying the flag and making us proud. In other sports matters, Harambee stars won Guinea Bissau in a match they were not expected to win and the goal by Oliech showed just why he's a world class striker. Now all we have to do is defeat our neighbors from across the lake, the Migingo and Ugingo snatching banana republic of Uganda and we will have qualified for the 2012 Africa cup of nations next year.

I finally tried the KFC fad that has taken over Nairobi. Seeing I'm lazy I did not have to brave the ridiculous lines that are still there to-date almost a month after opening but do I say. The chicken is nothing special although well done and the pieces sizable, the fries expensive although in my opinion steers still has the best fries but in meager portions compared to KFC and, the chicken burgers are to die for. Kudos to KFC for hoodwinking Kenyans but, when you are averaging close to Ksh.1 million a day in turnover for a fast food franchise, you are certainly doing something right and should be recommended for a job well done. Good on you Gavin.

For some of us (Rugby Fanatics) our summer of love is finally here. The Rugby World Cup RWC 2011 is finally here and starts on 9th September at 11a.m. It is a month of top flight rugby where the gladiators take on each other to see who is the best in the world and be crowned Kings of Rugby with the reward being winning the prestigious William Ebbs trophy. If you happen to see less of me in the following month, it's not because I'm holed away supporting my beloved Kenya Harlequins while sipping on my favorite beverage Johnny Walker, although the Kenya 7's circuit commenced 2 weeks ago and Quins are matching on to be Strong Sure Superior, however, i will be holed up in my house or favorite beverage den or rugby club watching the games being screened at ridiculous Kenya times i.e 4a.m, 7a.m or 11a.m in the morning due to time difference with New Zealand. in the words of my friend, Kenya's number one rugby supporter Arigi and the army of rugby fanatics GRRRRR!!!!!! LETS GET IT ON…..!!!!

Moral Responsibility 101.

After going in circles, we are still NARC i.e. northing actually really changes. The Mgingo issue is still unresolved and now has a twin called Ugingo. Kenya faces a famine the likes that have not been seen since the 70’s and larks at our doorstep like the images we see on the television concerning Ethiopia, Somalia or Eritrea but everyone other than the government can see it. MP's or as I like to refer to them, mpigs, are still avoiding paying taxes yet the Mungatana's of this world are issuing bouncing cheques worth Ksh. 4 million and the police say they can't find him. If it were a kawaida mwanainchi i.e. the Wajikus and Otineos, you would have been hunted and locked up at Kamiti by now. The high Court the other day issued a warrant of arrest for Garsen MP Danson Mungatana for his magical cheques but as I overheard, sometime last week, he walked into one of the judge’s chambers after the allocated work hours to maybe ask for leniency for his crime. Word of advise, reduce your overheads and, if you shit more than you eat, then you better make sure you got a lot of shit entering.

A lion does not concern himself with the opinions of sheep, so goes the saying and the government spokes man clearly showed us that last week. In my opinion, confusion reigns in the government as it grapples with the reality of the food emergency ravaging parts of the country. Not only this but the cabinet has approved deployment of the military and the NYS to distribute relief food. This comes as spokesman Alfred Mutua claimed the government has no reports of people dying of hunger. The Darwin award for stupidity goes to Alfred mutual. How can the government spokes man go on TV and proclaim that there is no drought in Kenya and no one is dying within the borders of the republic of Kenya due to hunger? My question is this Mr. Mutua, the photos that were shown to Kenyans by the media last week, do you think they were created at your studio where you script and act out cobra squad? Atwoli once said Alfred Mutua is a very young boy who does not know the colour of the shirt he is wearing! Maybe he was right! Those very pictures have spurred Kenyans and helped corporates like Safaricom, KCB, Uchumi, etc., and a host of other corporates to step up and do the governments job by raising 20 million in one day with an aim of raising 500 million and to date one week later, have raised more than 90 million. Well in all Kenyans who have taken it upon themselves to contribute and give what little they may have and be a brother or sister to their fellow country men and women. I know it's exploiting children using those pictures as was pointed out to me by a friend of mine but it worked and the necessary action is being taken to remedy the situation considering the governments failure. As someone said, it's like our leaders and planners lacked the intellectual capacity and aptitude to comprehend and avert the crisis.

Kenya Paraffin Lanterns Candles KPLC, are saying what we all knew and expected, that they are a bunch of tossers and inept idiots who after borrowing and not realizing the country requires more power in the grid than it has been using in the last few years, have in their wisdom decided that the answer to the problem in rationing. First question Eddy Njoroge, has it occurred to you and the idiots employed there that when you ration you cannot in good conscience raise that rates for the electricity. How do you persuade me to pay higher for a commodity that is not available in this harsh economic time? It’s like daylight robbery in light that you are the only company providing the service and thus enjoy the monopoly. Second with Kenya talking about vision 2030, what is the rational of your company going 10 steps backwards and taking us to the Stone Age era? We require electrification to run our industries and create work. Third Mr. Njoroge, every month I get my electricity bill and it contains a section that has mundane taxes that you recently tried to justify and tell us it is money raised to do rural electrification. Well said and done but if that is the case, why are we not seeing the effects of that money being used for that purpose and why are people in rural areas still being charged exorbitant fees to electrify their premises or pull electricity to the nearest trading center? Lastly, I think your whole board and management should be summarily dismissed with immediate effect since you spent a shit load of money to rebrand instead of fixing the current glaring issues and the fact that you provide services when it is appropriate for you and immediately it rains, most of the country is always plunged into darkness. The money should have been used to repair and buy new equipment.

Social media has been rife with condemnation of the government; it’s spokes man, mpigs and our so-called leaders. To quote one fellow, “Even though I am not affected directly by the drought, I would like to see people like Mike Sonko and his unga revolution, Harun Mwau, Kabogo, Mary Wambui, William Ruto, Uhuru Kenyatta, all land grabbers and money bags splash millions in North Eastern. Margaret Wanjiru and the numerous get rich quick churches that have buses to take stuffs to the North for free”. Churches have tax-free money, what is the money used for? As someone quickly pointed out, kwani it’s used to upgrade their Range Rover Vogues?

Nothing good comes from sugar coating things in life and that's why morals are being eroded in Kenya. Stand up and be counted, or forever shut up and remain irrelevant.

Fear Behaving Badly

Fear is the lack of knowledge. We fear what we do not understand, for example, we fear death, we fear going to somewhere new, we fear people we don’t understand and that's what leads us to our narrow points of views. In Kenya we fear our political class and don't understand them neither do they attempt to be understood. The enigma they surround themselves with helps them stay in office, which was until the Kenyan people learned their rights and got a new constitution. In about a year we will be going to the polls to elect the third president of the republic of Kenya in the transitional elections come August 2012 and as the situation stands, we have a cacophony of imperfect, fictitious and impracticable candidates who stand on the strands of their tribal backgrounds, characters and want to rule us by hook or crook. They lack moral character, patriotism even though they chant it at every opportunity, confidence and experience in being a leader. Being a politician does not necessarily make you a good leader. Like a good wine that matures with time, I say politicians will also get better with time and experience but as is evident in Kenya they become worse. We have been talking about mpigs and the tax issue but withdrawing the focus from the real issues such as insecurity, inflation, escalating prices of goods and most importantly the glaring inequalities in the trillion shilling budget.

In Kenya it pays to be an MP and have the ability to make noise like parrot. To date only about 30 mpigs have paid taxes, while the rest sit on their Asses and claim they will censure the president and prime minister for doing the right thing. Since when did it become acceptable to not do the right thing and complain about those who do so? It’s like a thief complaining that he should not be jailed because his neighbor did not go and rob someone when the opportunity presented itself. To you mpigs who have defied the taxman and stay defiant, I say your days are numbered and as such I see many of you languishing in your homes come the next transitional elections and wondering how to pay off the silly loans you have accumulated in your quest to be king greedy.

The federation of women lawyers in Kenya-FIDA is at it again. Lately since Kenya got a new constitution, they have taken to making it a point to contest every appointment the president makes. Citing lack of gender balance. In this case they have decided the recent appointment of military officers who will be in charge of the country in the next transitional elections should be nullified because there was no woman appointed. At the risk of drawing fire (pun intended) from the female readers, if a woman wants to be appointed to head the military or top positions in the military, they must prove themselves, join early and stay late. It is a mans world after all and they must play by the rules and stop using the gender card. As Kwamchesti Makokha said in politically correct last week, and I quote "putting women in charge would demoralize the country's defense forces, make them drink less beer, be overcome by cowardice to the point of fearing to die for their country."

Our “favorite” so called youth leader is back in the spot light for all that is wrong in moral standing and fiber in the youth today. First off the Mpig Sonko double parked his Subaru forester on Moi Avenue and went off to do some window-shopping. Upon returning he found the city council chaps had clamped his car tire and instead of acting like the rest of the mwananchi of Kenya and going to pay his fine for committing an offense, he decided the best course of action was to get his bodyguards to break the clamp in full glare of the amused public and ride off with the clamp into the sunset as a trophy. The next day, Sonko dressed like a reggae rafian complete with fake braided hair and bling, proceeded to Continental House, the offices of the mpigs and give an impromptu press conference declaring that if the police want to arrest him for destruction of council property and stealing it, they can do so. In addition he also dared the head of his sponsoring party Martha Karua to kick him out of the party if she so wanted. To the police and Kanjo, arrest him and show no one is above the law, to Martha for the sake of your piece of mind and not to be associated with this mad man who will eventually taint your image if he has not already done so, kick him out and move on. 

Granted no one who drives likes the kanjo people, when the public sees a so called “leader” and member of parliament breaking the law blatantly and with impunity they have to be asking themselves why do I have to play by the rules when others clearly do not. Rules are meant to govern a society and keep law and order. Imagine a lawless community that resembles the stories we hear, read and see on the TV of areas like Turkana, Northern Kenya and Somalia as a place to live. The words dead, buried and pushing up daisies comes to mind.

When I Was Growing Up

Back in the day when I was growing up as a child, I lived in an estate that made growing up so much fun. We had playgrounds to run around and have fun. Today’s zeal for housing has made it impossible to find a patch of green grass unless you pay through the nose and buy a house with a small garden in the leafy suburbs. With the playgrounds came monkey bars, swings, a slide made out of smooth concrete or metal. We generally had the space to play games such as bano aka marbles, bladder, Kati, cha baba cha mama, rounders’, statue, muchongwano and many more child hood games. At times we would go fishing and if truth be told catch small fish from the stream between Nairobi west and South C (Yes there was a stream there once) or catch tadpoles. Growing up was not only fun but also made you appreciate the simple things in life. At times you come across children playing a particular game that makes you mile with nostalgia or something that triggers your memory to an age when innocence was the order of the day and look back at our child hood days while reminiscing on the how much fun we had. 

These days being a child is so complex that it needs a manual. Instead of playing outside, the children of today only play indoors and frown on those that play out of the house as dirty and poor. Riding a bike was a common practice and a whole day affair. We would at times take a ride 15 or 20 kms away and see what is happening in another estate or visit a friend and be back home before our parents came home or found out we had been gone for the day. It was an adventure that molded us. One particular aspect of my childhood that I recall vividly were the movie vans and trucks. Back then watching a movie was the ultimate in entertainment and cinemas were synonymous with dating and showing affection. Woe on to you if you had not seen the latest Rambo, commando, Bruce lee or karate flick that had just come out. Video decks using cassettes were a novelty and not everyone had them as happens today with DVD players that are dime a dozen and as many in a single house as underwear. I remember the first movie cassettes I watched Tom and Jerry cartoons, Donald Duck and pink panther, later on the series Knight Rider, A-Team, Street Hawk, and, because our parents watched them, you started watching Dallas and Falcon crest. Then came the novelty that is the movie theaters. At the time 20th century fox was like the Mecca or heaven and extremely expensive. You were lucky if you got to go to Kenya cinema or Nairobi cinema. I frequented a place called Rainbow cinemas that is now shut down and run as some church. For a few privileged children, if you really behaved and were well off, the drive inn cinema on Thika Road was the place your parents took you at least once every holiday. We used to go watch movies at Rainbow cinema, town or the drive inn until one weekend Cinema Leo came with one of their trucks to the playground near home. It was a van with a screen that is set up and looks like a theater. In those days there were many trucks that would bring movies at night and everybody would gather around at night and at times pay or at times sit free and watch the movies including a news reel of events happening in Kenya and what baba Moi had “done for us” lately. Cinema Leo did not have lines to queue, seats to sit on, air-conditioned theaters, Pop corn, hot dogs or soda in paper cups. If you wanted those nonexistent entities, you had to be creative. You could buy a small sachet of biscuits, mkate nusu i.e. Elliots or Toasti bread half unsliced and for a drink you stole some of your mums treetop or Supadip juice that you had premixed into a plastic bottle or if you had money, you bought a bottle of Mirinda. The words incredibly delicious come to mind at this point and a big grin. 

If you were to retell this story to your son/daughter/nice/nephew today, they would think you were pulling their leg or just been silly to even suggest such a notion. Today’s children with the manual 1.0 are DVD movies, playing in the house with PlayStation or x box 360. If you have a 2.0 child they are worse and will want the Nintendo Wii, an iPod, iPhone and a Mac laptop to not only play their games but do homework. The very idea of sports outside the confines of the sitting room or TV room, is the 1 hour of PE they get in school. Worse still playing any sport for them if pushed, involves being driven to the school or field by the driver as taking a matatu is an alien idea, not that I do know where the ones heading to my house are even located. Football is now only referred to as soccer and strictly watched on TV and played on PlayStation 3, not outside with a ball made up of rolled up plastic bags tied with a rubber band or bladder while hide and seek is what they think you have done with the remote control for the TV when you don’t want them to watch cartoons like Ben 10. Todays children will no doubt sit and be talking about when they children just as I am but with a twist. I wonder if they will have had as much fun, adventure and learnt the true value of being dirty or a good thrashing with a slipper or stick from your mother and/or the house help for being hands down the dirtiest, filthiest kid they have seen at the end of the day. 

Like the omo advertisement says dirt is good, let your child play outside and with other kids, not only do they become well rounded but they also get social skills and learn to adapt to people, situations and they also learn. Next time your children are giving you a hard time or you just want them to experience the joys of out door activities, switch off the power from your house mains and force them out. Kids need to play and discover. There is an inner child in all of us and you could also join them for a remake of your child hood and teach them the games that gave you so much joy and had a hand in making you who you are today.

Utalipa Lini or is it utajilipa lini?

Kenya is a country of uniqueness. From the people who were once described by the once guru of Kenyan telecommunications the previous CEO of Safaricom, one Michael Joseph as having peculiar calling habits which roughly translates to being peculiar all the time all Kenyan, to our market and business principles which in Kenya means everyone for themselves and how much can I steal while office.

First off, i find this topic very dispecable. Free primary education money went missing, enough said. When we reach the point when we steal from our children and our future, we have clearly lost the plot furthermore sensitivity does not come to mind. The story is that since about 2005, the officials in charge of disbursing the money and making sure it is correctly used, have run amok lining their own pockets with the funds and in the process, raising their middle fingers at our children who we are constantly reminded are the future of the country and will look after us in our old age. Some went as far as setting up bogus schools with school accounts in banks, where the funds were diverted and then used for drinking sprees and taking klandes to Mombasa where lazima chuma ilale ndani. The donors who help us fund this lovely project that was meant to not only raise the levels of literacy in the country but also help us achieve the millennium goals, vision 2030 and set the country into a developed country and not a developing one have decided enough is enough with the white elephant thus demanding the funds be returned. The taps have been cut of and the pipes are dry until such time, we get our act together and return the looted funds. I believe there is a very special hot corner of hell for miscreants like you. To top it off the minister of education Ongeri says he is not resigning and it was not him who stole. Mr. Ongeri, the term honorable truly by passed your understanding. Your docket, your mess, your officials and I agree with the PM, you should have been fired last year in February but as always the Baks was playing politics and being an ass thus we still have a clown handling one of the most important dockets in our government.

Business in Kenya is clearly not for the faint hearted. Many companies have been formed and failed in the first hour let alone the first year. Companies that have in the past come to challenge the monopolies or already existing giants in Kenyan business have tucked tail and left running e.g South African Breweries (SAB) which is now eying a comeback into the market after surprise surprise, being screwed by EABL in Tanzania. It will be a very welcomed move by the consumers especially those that recall the beer wars of the late 90s and early 2000s. My throat gets dry just envisioning the comeback. Another company is Essar Telkom that came and was meant to bring down a peg Safaricom and give Zain or is it Airtel now some competition. But as is evident, the green machine known as “The better option” has fought them off and still is the ahead of the pack while kicking mud in the competitors eyes. Airtel has perfected the art of  changing names like underwear but not seems to have a some what stable ship to give the better option a few sleepless nights, while the other player called Orange or chungwa is just bitter and we don't know what they are up to. Rumor has it that Essar better known as YU is secretly looking to sell. Pepsi is also looking to come into the market in a big way and this has the coke marketing department gearing for a war and stepping up their game. As a consumer who is always screwed by providers, let the markets open up with a few more players especially another electricity service provider other than the famed Kenya Lanterns Candles and Paraffin company (KPLC), which is plagued by power blackouts, load shedding and any creative words they want to come up with. They need to style up and provide what they promise without unnecessary down times and the inevitable power blackout when it rains. In the words of STL biashara ni biashara, fanya kazi then bila me this fabricated amounts.

The new Chief Justice Mr. Willy Mutunga has been appointed to office after all the hubbub and circus surrounding his interview including the stud he wears. Speaking of which, how many of us have studs or wore studs and today are still productive Kenyans holding important positions in Companies, industries and government? To truly show his defiance, the CJ decided not to wear the ceremonial robe upon his swearing and a week after taking office has written a letter to the AG stating that judges and judiciary staff who were not paying taxes before should from hence forth do so and back date to when the new constitution came into effect. Kudos Mr. CJ and may you continue shaking the tree until the rotten apples have fallen and the tree is clear of the rot.

FIda was at it recently making a mockery of the process of vetting just because they considered themselves misrepresented. Their claim was that a third of the supreme court was not female, furthermore they claimed there was only one woman on the bench  and in addition no one with a disability. Kwani FIDA you think Nancy Barasa is what, a Zebra? If you don't apply for a job, can you sue for not having been given an opportunity? FIDA should try another way and find better ways to raise it’s profile among the donors who fund them and look for money to do something more worth while especially with the elections due mid next year.

The safari rally nick named the world toughest rally is back  and growing but not as glamorous as it once was. Who remembers those Easter trips to the country side with the folks as you looked at the cars in awe and chased them around to better view points than the previous one? It was truly a grueling rally that showed everyone who the real makmende safari champion was. Half of the cars that started always broke down due to the harsh terain and the best source of news was the VOK aka KBC and news time was a must so you could see the cars on TV before you go out and make a replica with a coat hanger tied together with bladder. I remember a time when the safari rally had the like of Patrick Njiru, Juha Kankkunen, Miki Biasion, Carlos Sainz, Colin Mc Rae, Shekhar Mehta, Ian Duncan and if you are that old , Joghinder Sing in the 70s. It was the best 4 days of Easter and not over in a matter of hours as is the case today. We even had rally gum chewing gum to commemorate and the flying sausage of Ian Duncan fame. Incidentally, Patrick njiru is coming back out of retirement to compete again, although in a Porsche for the safari classic rally later in the year. I would like to join that team and give them a hand. All the best. This years rally was won by Carl Tundo and Tim Jessop while second place went to a Ugandan driver Jas Mangat and Gihan Desilva and, Ian Duncan did nt disappoint and came in third place. I did not get a chance to relieve my childhood but did however get to view the cars as they passed on ngong road on their way to the spectator stage.

It’s been an interesting two weeks. The budget was read or was it, any way we now have a trillion shilling budget and with it many anomalies as is the norm with chap who never held a job until Moi hooked him up. despite being part of the the family that virtually owns almost everything in Kenya. A few days later and the number of problems and unaccounted for amounts is ridiculous. The gaffs that come from Uhuru and the arrogance is astounding, this geezer hopes to be a Kenyan president and inspire confidence and loyalty yet all that we get is a feeling to urgently take a bamboo stick and cain him repeatedly. Uhuru you are letting down St’ Mary’s alumna with this behavior and looking like you were pulled up and not brought up with a decent education that is the envy of many.

In animal farm for those who have read the classic, there was a pig called Napoleon who took over as the leader and proclaimed, “Some animals are more equal than others” on the farm and thus did very little work or no work at all. That quote has recently been played out in public by the thugs we have in parliament known as our “leaders”. MPs or as a friend of mine fondly refers to them as Mpigs have decided they are more equal than the rest of the wananchi and as such is the case in their deluded minds, paying taxes is beneath them. Some of the Mpigs like John Mbandi of Gwasi went on the google box aka the Telly/TV and said it is unfair and unconstitutional for them to pay taxes while others asked for a payment plan. What a load of bullshit. Which constitution did you guys read? He then went on to further insinuate that if they are made to pay taxes they would hold the country ransom and delay on implementation of the constitution. All I can say is Mr. Mpig, you have lost the plot and the people of Gwasi should stand up and help you visit the lake shores in your retirement campaign. The story that caught me off guard was yet of another Mpig who I did not quite catch his name, proclaiming that it was like daylight robbery. He asked a journalist, how is he meant to survive on a salary of Ksh. 700,000 and yet he has a mortgage of Ksh. 400,000. Are you mad, what do you think the rest of Kenyans do even when we have a loan? What are you buying for that amount and it better be worth it and not some comical yellow colored shack with furniture from kikomba. The PM on the other hand has followed suit and payed taxes amounting to Ksh. 3,400,000, kudos to him and the rest of the MPs who have seen it fit to pay taxes in advance and give the squabbling a miss. Among the Mpigs, some have dared and declared not to pay while some have tried to make it seem like an in-sequential  thing that will blow over. one MP and minister for tourism Najib balala has decided that those who have payed the taxes so far are those seeking to run for the big house on the hill. my question is this, did you not also proclaim that you would run for the presidency earlier this year or was that just your usual chest thumping and theatrics of watu wa pwani? Lets see how long this will take and meanwhile the clock is ticking. When will you eventually pay your taxes so you can at least look as serious as Dexter the cartoon character. In other words, utalipa lini? In case you have forgotten, there is a saying that goes, “Empty drums make the loudest noise”. Over to you Balala.

The Harun Mwau saga still continues, he now claims that Obama wants to take away his multi million business empire in the states. It has always been whispered that he was a big time drug dealer and crossing him was like signing your own death certificate in advance. The US government has decided to take him hands on and call him for what they think he is. My two cents worth of advice is don't just do a trial in the court of public opinion but help this so called lazy utumishi kwa wote of ours get to court and for once win a case. Knowing the Judiciary, the case will take years and even when gift wrapped for us, he will be acquitted on the incompetence of some chap from kiganjo who has received a massive clearance for the loan he had taken  5 years ago to buy the 2 ng’ombes and the eighth of an acre parcel of land that he wants to fit a house from Karen in the space of a buru buru plot.

Someone once described Kenya as the city in the sun housing hyenas, foxes and sheep. Where do you stand? To the Mpigs yet again, Utalipa Lini?

Kampala Part 2

The roads in Kampala or champara are a figment of our imaginations. Once upon a time, there was a smarting of tarmac, a few dusty roads and the semblance of infrastructure when it comes to roads. Today all i see is pot holes, big pot holes and the gapping hole that swallows your car. They have certainly gotten rid of one or two of the roundabouts and that helps the traffic flow,..... is the Kenyan Minister for roads Mr. Franklin Bett listening? But, in doing so, they forgot that you must have tarmac on the roads leading to the intersection especially in the CBD. To get to a place round the corner in a special (thats what they call taxis here) a trip of 5 mins in a straight line turns into meandering twists and turns, side roads and alternative roads resulting in an exergerated fare and 15 mins out of your time just to avoid portholes. To say it is ridiculous is an understatement.

On the bright side if they can sort out a few issues, i would not mind staying here for another 4 years. the housing market has certainly blossomed and the construction boom is evident. Gated communities, apartments, regal mansions and serviced apartments are the order of the day. Rent used to be so cheap and i would pay about KSH 12,000 for a 2 bedroom house in a compound of 3 but today even that is a rumor. To live in luxury would off set you upwards of around $1, 000 and more and woe unto you if you require a place with a view. I did however see impressive houses and apartments that have made me realize that what most of us to is irk out an existence while some of us are actually living. When you have a place on Kololo hill overlooking at least 3 of the Kampala hills and the lights, the word panty dropper comes to mind. Being single i noticed in that city is a headache and a war of the heart and mind. The women are very deserving of your attention and take time to dress up for an evening or night out. If in a club and you come across a lady in jeans, be sure that she is a Kenyan. The ladies in addition are also brave and do not avoid i contact. They chat up the men and by the time you recover from the shock and pick up your jaw from the floor, they have you hook line and sinker. Ladies here are taught how to treat their men, cook for them, seduce them both in public and in private by the sex aunties known as sengas. If you come across a lady with beads around her waste she is said to have graduated from the senga the equivalents of first class honors, magnum cum lade. The competition is stiff for the ladies and men try to out do each other by being very flash in terms of their cars which have personalized number plates, the amount of money they spend when they go out, the clothes they wear, how much money you give her for shopping and where you live. A few men have lost the battle and in doing so the war. I once knew of a fellow who lived in a servants quarter but had an Escalade and Mercedes S500 parked outside his place. He would pick up the girls and head to a hotel or lodging. His argument was that he was building and did not want to spend, later we found out that he thought what he saved in rent could be used as money for the hotel each weekend meanwhile during the week he would be home. While another stole money from his employer to the tune of UGS 300,000,000, yes 300 million which is equivalent to KSH 12 million to seduce a Kenyan lady he was madly in love with. Problem was that he did not bother to find out if she was in love with him. A visit to Kampala is not complete without a visit to the red light district known as Kabalgala. It is a a strip of road leading up a hill that is flooded with bars on each side overlapping each other and women of the oldest proffession in the world today, prostitutes. Here you can find what ever you are looking for or your heart desires and more. It is also home to the famous Capital pub, Als bar and cheris. Anything goes here including your wallet, morals and draws.

Kampala has made men and women lose their minds because of the abundant fun that is in the city fondly referred to as sin city. It is one of those trips you just must take in East Africa along with such exotic desitinations such as Mombasa, Malindi, Masaii Mara, Zanzibar, Jinja the source of the River Nile, Kisumu home to Lake Victoria and the curious and fasinating species known as the Luos or Jangos plus the Serengeti in Tanzania. We complain about the lack of tourist destinations in our own countries and would rather go abroad to far away places before we sample and delight in what is in our own back yards. Next time you are planning a trip, keep it Kenyan and if that is hard, keep it East African

Kampala 2011

Life in Kampala is certainly interesting, a lot can change in a couple of years. The last time i was in this country about 5 years ago, the city was still in darkness, life was slow and getting around was much more fun. Today it’s all bright lights in almost every corner, shopping malls and restaurants at every corner, new discos and bars plus the advent of coffee houses with unimaginative names like Javas (yes with an S at the end). 

This is the city that truly does not sleep. The mecca for club party goers and the place that makes every Kenyan realize what we have in nairobi is bars and kafundas (Ugandan dialect for a small shop or sheebeen). You can find a club to tantalize you at any hour of the night or day depending on your location. On my first night back, i went to Mateos which has become the yoyo spot. A place with lovely young ladies, TV screens at every corner so that you do not miss the sporting action or international news as was the case on this night and cold beer. It’s the first spot people normally start with as the night gets going and the music is certainly on point with a mix of old school, hip hop and R & B of the 90’s era. By the time i walked out it was warming up to the late 90’s. Next stop was a place i thought i knew, Garden City. FYI Sarit Center, Village Market, Yaya and other malls, you need to come have a quick look at this place. On one side you have a majestic hotel called the Golf Course Hotel and on the other, many shopping outlets, restaurants, casinos, movie theater, bowling alley and most importantly abundant parking which you do not pay for. They believe in come in, walk around enjoy and you will be tempted to come again or buy something. So the club i left there called the Venue is now called Boda Boda. Don't confuse it with the motocycle fad driven by suicidal kamikazi youth on the streets of Kampala. This club is managed by a friend of mine called Lui who certainly has held on to the term class rather nicely. One side has a bar and dancing area and if you walk through the outside partition on to what would be another side of the building, you find the dinning area that ouses pomp and glamour with a cute quaint bar and who’s who of Kampla. A double whiskey at this spot will set you back UGS 20,000 about KSH 750 which is not bad, but, considering the average price in this city, that is certainly high. Most establishments sell a double black at KSH 450 the equivalent of UGS 12,000. By the time we walked out of this club it was well past midnight and we hit the new club Guvnor that i had heard so much about. entrance is KSH 2,000 UGS 50,000 but the ambience is definitely worth it. The decor is all white including the speakers, the lighting and, sound is superb and on point. The place is a tad bit packed seeing that everyone and there grandmother wants to be inside but after talking to the owner Charlie Lubega of the Angenoir club fame, he tells me they scrutinize and make sure only well to do and people who spend are allowed in but in a way that it does not discriminate. Judging by the tables i saw, most people were out with their wives girlfriends or significant other aka mpango wa kando aka klande and, they were purchasing by the bottle i.e bottles of Jameson, Johnny Walker, Amarula, Chivas Regal, Absolute Vodka etc, the list is endless. The dj kept us on our toes until time to vacate at almost 5am. This was only Friday and i had been in the town for less than 10 hours, but that is a story to be continued at a later date.

Sadly there are a few draw backs to the development and fun loving town of champara. One major one is the fear of terrorist attacks since the world cup bombing last year at the Kyadondo rugby club and the Ethiopian restaurant in Muyenga, two places i constantly visited in the 4 years i was there from October 2002 to june 2006. It was a sad event and showed the vulnerability of the country. Something both President Museveni affectionately known as M7 and the people of uganda do not like to admit especially with the the kind of military and police wings they have. Incidentally in 1985 there existed 5 branches of the military and police wings combined, today April 2011, there exists 17 different wings of militia that range from anti terrorism to traffic and they all wear a coca-many of uniforms varying from fashion fatigues that look like Tommy Hilfigure to those that are plain and look like KK security guards back home. So with every corner or roundabout, you will find a bunch of security people milling around a tree or sitting lazying the day and night away on the grass and, around every other road where they wait sultry for a drunk driver or someone new in town to take a wrong turn into a one way street, a feat i managed on Buganda road a place i now so well. As is the case when in doubt, help the police man with chai and you are good to go. As i sit here hammering away at the laptop and staring at the hills of Kampala and the new buildings around me, i cant help but wonder what is in store for me on this wonderful impromptu holiday i took on the guise of a working holiday. A feat i have managed with only 2 meetings in 4 days and of the two, one was cancelled

Life Through Radio

They say life sucks but to many people it is but a bare existence. Life sucks when you have problems and no solutions in sight,when you have debts that cripple you or when your sick or have lost a loved one. Little wonder that we do not take a moment to reflect and savor it when we have a chance or are enjoying ourselves. 

They say to be loved is to be praised with the highest compliment,I think the person who wrote that never had a bad day in a relationship. Love is a cruel mistress who drains you repeatedly and moves on when you are totally spent or absent of love and anger or jealousy takes over. When in love we think the world is correct and we feel bullet proof, no wonder no one writes books about moving on or managing your life after. I believe the 3 biggest causes of love gone sour is infidelity,sex and finances. I do understand we are human but we always stray and that is why it is said we were moulded in his image but we are not perfect. Further more the joys of sex when withheld or used as a currency to batter with brings a tear to the eye. We are 1 of 2 mammals in this world that indulge in sex for fun n leisure and not only reproductive purposes. Coincidentally,the dolphin is the other animal even though we talk about the sexual throws of the rabbit,minx,lion and pigs. Lastly money, the root of all evil as dictated by society at large is both a blessing and a curse. With it you feel like climbing mount Kenya is but a task easily achieved by waving a hand.when there is no trust or transparency in finances, it makes our darker and sadistic side more visible picture a relationship ripe with any of the 3 mentioned above and now to play devils advocate picture roles reversed and the man on the receiving side.to crush a mans ego is to crush his soul. The romans new it, the slave masters perfected it and todays woman washes and constantly rewrites the book on it while screaming for all to hear the bad virtues of men while refusing to look at the hand they played in the fiasco.

Thus all the women in Nairobi have but one story on their lips each evening, what is the story on busted today. Team women or as i like to fondly refer to them as the biggest gang in the world, proudly discuss in the mattes, salons, houses and to any and everyone who will lend an ear for 5 minutes what happened on Cikus show this evening, the guy who is busted and how men are dogs who should be locked up and caged 24-7-365 and can only be trusted as far as you can spit. 

Ladies i only have one thing to say, if this is the highlight of your day, then truly all the soaps on citizen, NTV and KTN will not help you salvage that relationship of yours. You complain of how the man has a straying eye but you don't ask yourself when was the last time you made him a home cooked meal, or complimented something he did? When was the last time you were nice to him, by his standards and not what you think is nice in your book? When was the last time you said thank you or i'm sorry? When was the last time you did something without ulterior motives? If the answer to any of this questions is a long pause as you contemplate the last time or reach for your dear diary to chicken entries then for sure you deserve the hyena you get. However if you are doing all of the above and still get a monkey as a bed fellow then remember not all of us are rotten apples in the basket and as such wake up, leave the baggage and move on to a better person. Don't wait until the Ike Turner in him or Chris Brown chomokas before you call it quits and walk around for us like a suicide bomber lambasting all of us for your poor choice in life. 

How Easily Kenyans Forget

3 years after PEV, we still have IDP's to resettle with no money or land to give, inflation on a scale never experienced or seen before in Kenya and basic commodities like unga, cooking oil and kerosine unattainable. Drought is rampant and we hear we have not seen the worst of it  while the government tells us there exists drought resistance grains at Kenya Seeds company available for farmers to buy. Fuel and electricity have become commodities and services we can't afford while the energy PS and Minister watch their 50 inch flat screens and drive their gas guzzler cars. Fuel is now more expensive than a beer and it’s scarcity is whispered about in conspirators tones like the mwakenya era sedition papers and prosecutions. Electricity we are reliably informed will go up by 20% very soon, even though the dams are full and we stopped using generators last year to channel power to the national grid. Meanwhile we as a country Kenya, somehow gave a one million dollar cheque to Japan. I ask, where are our priorities!!! I understand it is but a trifle drop in the ocean compared to the aid they give us yearly but, what is the use of giving away your lump of ugali to the fat man only to turn around and demand a bigger one from him?

The budget reading which is normally a highlight of the yearly fiscal calendar as we find out what commodities will be unattainable for the rest of the year and those that we must simply forget about totally like a bad dream, will now be a mention instead of a reading. I'm perturbed by the treasury and how they managed to wait until shit had hit the fan before reacting. The minister reliably told the general public at a harambee a few weeks ago, that those telling him to do the mentions in parliament at an agreed time were idiots and did not know their place. Further more this was at the time there was an amount of over 700 million shillings missing and unaccounted for. If this is the geezer who wants to lead Kenya because he thinks it is his right and does things with impunity with a capital I, imagine what would befall us if he were to ascend to the highest seat in the land. The thought makes me want to build an underground bunker in preparation and stock up food stuff as we await the doom that may befall us.

We have become a nation of beggars and whiners. We beg the government to help us and everyday they laugh at us with contempt. The cries of tunaomba serikali itusaidiye has become a running joke like a bad sitcom on KBC that will not go away. We whine about the high price of fuel, unga, cooking oil and lack of jobs but we never do anything about it. No wonder halfwits like Sonko make it to parliament to be the court jester. We could be in a rather bad state or so says the minister of finance but what does he know about our daily suffering and our plight to irrevocably exist against insurmountable odds when he controls businesses worth billions of shillings and has never slept with just a belly full of air as a companion.

Of late the head sonkos in charge have decided to treat us with a bit of comedy in a bid to encourage openness in the hiring of civil servants. There is vetting of judges, senior police officers and the circus that is Willy Mutungas earring. The catholic charge has decided to throw in it's 10 cents worth by proclaiming he is anti family because he has had a few bad marriages and divorces and in addition that he is gay, and I don't mean the word happy. One of the them literally went as far as to ask him outright if he was gay. The term is homosexual and the word that comes to mind about the church is homophobic. This is the same church that is at this time facing criticism as one of their fathers Fr. Kizito is accused of sodomizing for a second time, some rather health strong and violent looking youths who would surely turn the tables on him with a serious thrashing, but hey, as the saying goes, there are 3 sides to a coin.

The world was also meant to have ended last month unreliably, and some not to clever villagers sold all their earthly belongings in order as to carry the money as travelers checks to heaven. As we can all see, the world did not definitely end. Instead, Osama bin Laden was caught shot and used as fish food and the price of commodities and the rate of foolishness of our politicians became astronomical. 

Free education was started in Kenya to make sure we develop as a nation, progress and punguza our ujinga but judging by what we see everyday some of our leaders beba the ujinga for their benefit. In the words of Bifoli the presidential wannabe aspirant, "woiye the government is a dictator and is not fair to it's citizens."

Sleeping dogs or is it cats...

After a long break that included a visit to sin city otherwise known as champala and a couple very disturbing turn of Kenyan events, the pen…or is it the laptop keys have proved a calling that I could not resist and thus attitudekenya is back, bolder and more brash. i doubt i  will be taking such an extended long break seeing the numerous questions i have received from my scant reading public. It is time for more ranting as we take aim and heap blame where it squarely should be, the government (mafia), the errant politicians (criminals) and the wanjikus (stooges) of Kenya. The baks (the Don) as always when he seems to want to try, he wakes up from his normally daze and does what we have now come to accept as the norm with him, mainly nothing. The island of Migingo has been yet again taken over by Uganda and it's still soldier at heart leader Museveni (miscreant) otherwise known as M7. After he was through thrashing the daylights out of his opponents, mainly Besigye, he turned his vexation on Kenya and his quest to make us part of the greater Uganda republic and grow many a plantation of bananas and g-nut sauce and, to make things worse, he is also teaching us what the real meaning of impunity is. The miscreant has decided to annex Ugingo Island as a bonus since the Don will just clear his throat and do bollocks. 

As if to further prove my point at the dons work-shy nature, in all his wisdom the Don also decided the situation in Northern Kenya was not dire enough and not enough people had lost there lives and property thus it did not warrant action. He has thus directed the police to deal with the militia that threaten our borders in North Eastern and are determined to turn Mandera and it's surrounding towns plus residing communities into the greater lawless state of Somalia. When will you stand up and protect the people of Kenya as is demanded by the constitution of Kenya that you swore to uphold? When will you send the military to deal with both these threats to our borders and get back our sovereign land? The fact that you helped bring to pass a new constitution that has not yet been fully implemented due to the obscure and distortion of the criminals plus the ICC fiasco, does not mean your job is done and the bottles of white cup in your store are your reward. I say Mwai Kibaki, you will be judged very poorly by history in rather poor light (pun intended) by this same criminals and stooges. And, as history has taught us with your predecessor Moi, the Kenyan people will gladly stone you as you leave and develop a rudeness that is akin to a delinquent standard three child who knows the teachers are not within the vicinity.

Nature vs. The World vs. Ourselves

What a week it has been, we are still reeling from the shock that is God’s and nature’s power. Japan had an earthquake measuring 8.9 on the Richter scale. In Kenya that is something we cannot fantom because it has never happened here or to someone we know. Suffice to say if it were to happen in Kenya with our non existent emergency response and politicians who like to milk every sad situation for political gain....tsk!tsk! You be the judge. Furthermore before Japan could catch there breath and take stock of the effects of the earthquake, a tsunami descended on them and wiped out literally villages and towns. It is said there is a village of 15,000 people missing. Let me break it down for you, it’s like the inhabitants of buru buru woke up one day and just up and disappeared. The photos are devastating in effect and makes you want to go into your pocket and donate to the red cross or help people. It’s times like this that we want to go deeper and ask why? Our prayers go out to the people of Japan.

So Libya is still on fire and the chap who wanted to be King of Africa Col. Gadaffi has decided he would rather let the country burn than relinquish power there by proving that once in power you are in it for yourself not for the idiots who may have helped you get there. Remember he came to power in a coup i.e by the gun and by the gun he will be ousted. The world has been watching and since Libya has oil the coalition has decided to bomb Gadaffi (read US, France, Canada and Britain) to “free the people”. I see them only freeing the oil fields. CNN had a stuttering figure over the weekend that it costs France $1 million dollars per tomahawk missile fired and about 2 dozen or so were used over the weekend. That is a colossal figure by any standard. That should be money that can be used to not only sustain and help out other conflict areas in Africa but also feed and reestablish infrastructure that was damaged and thereby helping the people not only the diamond mines and oil we constantly seek. Imagine if that money went to Somalia, Sudan, Ivory Coast etc, where would those countries be today.

UDM a couple of weeks ago claimed they are Part of ODM and want to sue them. Why cant people understand that once you are sacked or not needed, you need to go. I think it is time for us to man up and stop playing the Raila fobia card and do real politics of issues otherwise shut up. On that note Kenyans should ignore politicians without real issues and the media should give them a blackout for a week iliewe funzo.

Wikileaks is still at it and making us aware of the hypocrisy that is our politicians and what they think. Everyone from the AG and Kalonzo to Ngilu and Karua has had there 15 minutes of gaffs with wikileaks. I think one of the most damming was Karuas wikileaks ship which came to dock with alarming revelations that she was one of the master minds of the standard media attack a couple of years ago. It further claimed that she did not want to admit to the police they were involved and wanted more to be done to muffle the media. This is from the same person who now try’s to use the same media she tried to muffle to further her cause in pursuit of the highest office. I'll let you be the judge of this one because as the saying goes pretenders are worse than murders.

In other news the date of reckoning is fast approaching for a season of Ocampo 6. While some say they are ready and others who claimed they were ready and willing now claim they have exams and cannot make it or the fare is too high. Listen KCPE and KCSE are conducted once a year...and furthermore kindly recall loose lips sink ships...need I say more? My question is this of the 6, why do we only have 2 idiots going around being abusive and complaining the loudest instead of walking into the Hague and convincing us of your innocence from where it counts?

Cairo is the largest city in Africa with a population of 9.2 million people. If a city of 9.2 million can force the hand of it's president who they considered a dictator, why cant a country of 40 million people stand up and say enough is enough, either do right by the country and it's citizens or take early retirement. Start implementing the constitution, sack the idiots you employ who are corrupt, eat humble pie moreover sack the few Hague 6 still employed by your government till they are vindicated. As Ruto keeps telling us “mambo ya Hague ni madogo tuu”, an indication of what he thinks of the process and the fact that many Kenyans lost there lives needlessly.

There are more serious issues in Kenya with over 6 million people unemployed, price of food stuff and fuel going up and a drought looming and showing us the ineptitude of the people governing us. Fight poverty, stop corruption and impunity and, create jobs other wise as the song goes “under the mango tree..., is where we will find you...., under the mango tree...., is where you will be...