Attitude Kenya: Where does time go?

Attitude Kenya: Where does time go?: It’s been 5 years since I sat down and posted anything on this blog, reason being…well, I really don’t have an answer. Maybe it was commit...

Where does time go?

It’s been 5 years since I sat down and posted anything on this blog, reason being…well, I really don’t have an answer. Maybe it was commitments, lethargy, boredom, lack of creative juices, a hangie, and a plan from you guy my guy squad or just a many numbers of things. So why after all this time do you ask is he posting anything? The answer is simple, I bumped into a friend and he reminded me of my “crazy” days as he called it, the 1001 Ideas I had, the laughter he got by reading the stories and at the same time he shared with me how life has changed and how important humor is in most life. Long story short, I listened and decided let’s see if I can still spin a story.

In those 5 years I have grown, yes sounds like the usual cliché of the ME Movement, but I really have. I will not say I stopped drinking, I just stopped partaking in certain brands and establishments so as to stop the cat and mouse games with Kirinyaga breweries (I will not name brands). I was once married (now I have pressure from family members saying living alone can lead to death and the cat eating your remains when you die before we find you. As if I look like I can buy a cat as a companion). Created a new business from what I used to do and wanted to be a titan of industry in my little corner of sharas… till the economy came calling for its pound of flesh (everyone wants to be a tenderpreneur, what they forget to tell you is what happens when you have not been paid for a long time). I got to indulge in my hobby of traveling and enjoyed different places, people and culture (lesson learned, we live a sheltered life in Kenya plus scorpions are considered food in some places).

As for Kenya, I have seen many an idea/ business start and close just as fast as you get comfortable (banks, supermarkets, J’s Karen, you grew up to fast….it’s still early days at J’s 2.0). I have seen the depths to which our political animals take us and bring us back with a handshake…if only certain things in life could be wiped away and forgotten with a handshake (do you recall teargas Thursday and Monday). I have seen a grown man been given a wedgy like a class 8 student on the closing day all the while yelling I am not boarding and still board anyway ( he won a lawsuit that gives him money to buy new shoes seeing he left the other ones at JKIA). I have seen the extent to which greed can take us in the name of corruption and tenderpreneurs till you just want to yell pax (the “mahewa” generation, carrying millions in sacks, loaning each other tens of millions like its 1k for a pint or fuel). We have been taught that the word a billion should not shock us or be as astounding as it once was (every day you hear of theft of public resources and the only constant word is BILLIONS). We elected clowns to run our counties in the name of governors and now we act shocked by the day to day shenanigans and lack of services (they now compete in who can give the shoddiest services and get away with it). This lends credence that Karen association might have been right all those years ago when they stopped paying taxes for non-existent services.

It’s been a very interesting period in Kenyans lives and as we claim change that is just the same like wearing a torn sock on one foot and changing to the next thinking we have solved the issue, we approach yet another election in a couple of years knowing the script will be the same, the monkeys the same and the voting pattern predictable like the sun rising in the east.

I leave you with the new Kenyan mantra now better known than the national anthem... Bado, bora uhai.

STATE OF KENYA AFFAIRS

Monday 7^th April, it rained most of last night and the heat was unbearable, come morning and the weather is cool and unassuming. This is representative in my opinion of the current state of affairs in Kenya. We get heated up and want action but come morning we are both cooled and subdued or just calm and moving on. Kenya today is a country in turmoil with itself. From a political stand point where we either do not understand the dynamics, to an economy that has made life unbearable with inflation and goods we can’t access, to our new favorite past time terrorism and how do we deal with this act of hooligan war.

Terrorism is a menace that needs to be combated immediately. When someone uses guerrilla tactics against you, your country and fellow citizens, it is absurd for them to turn around and then claim rule of law, justice and decorum should be followed when we decide to combat the menace. My opinion is brute force equals brute force.  The first thing is to rid ourselves of unsupportive elements who make it unsafe for us to live and attend church on Sunday morning to thank God for his blessing and ask for strength and guidance in our daily lives. Imagine a scenario where a mosque is bombed or Christians go in and shoot the Muslims in prayer. Yet when the opposite occurs pin drop silence and they assume we should take it lying down because they feel aggrieved. I am yet to hear any Muslim leader condemning the senseless attacks and killings and supporting the government’s attempts to reign in the cowardly acts. Secondly we should root out the source of their finances and deny them money and a place to feel safe. I say round them up send them back to refugee camps and divide that wretched piece of sand known as Somalia between Kenya and Ethiopia and maybe there will be peace. It is sad that the present day government has adopted a reactionary approach to issues rather than pre-emptive. The same people have been in charge of the security apparatus for so long that new ideas are lacking. Hire new energized people with new ideas and give them smart objective clearly defined goals that must be attained or the hammer is lowered and are fired. 

Devolution is under attack and that is not in doubt. I have always reiterated that people who voted against the change the constitution so fervently will never wish it well or go out of their way to make sure it works and is a success. No sooner had the present government come to power and it started to slowly hinder its progress by denying funds and engaging in all manner of shenanigans to make sure it did not kick off smoothly. A recent case in point was the devolution conference in Kwale last week that the government principles or cabinet secretaries did not attend or think it prudent to give their 2 cents on the matter. It also does not help matters that most of the governors a year later are yet to get down to serious work and start showing the people who put them in office that they were justified in doing so. Most are concerned with how they can accumulate wealth, power and employ family and friends. As we approach the national budget speech in 2 months, I hope to see the governors speak up and say what they intend to do for the people and not for themselves. As much as the counties are one too many and we created 47 mini presidents, let’s fix the problem by rolling up our sleeves and working instead of fighting over flags and number plates like children in the school yard.

My gardener recently asked me if I got a raise and I told him no. I assumed it was a trailer to him suggesting I do the same for him but to my surprise he then proceeded to ask me how do I make it work in my house. I was a bit baffled by this line of thought and was wondering what he meant when he continued by saying the price of good have gone up and he is finding it rather hard to make ends meet for his family. Reason being that the price of basic commodities, transport and cooking utensils (read: charcoal, kerosene, gas, firewood etc.) was beyond the reach of the basic mwanainchi. He lives in Kibera and says in Kibera you can find items to suit the amount in your pocket i.e. cooking oil for 20bob, sukuma wiki for 30, unga ya ugali for 50 and kerosene for 60. Milk and bread are luxuries for Sunday morning. How many of us have ever had a breakfast of strungi (strong tea) and left over ugali or the leafy left over in the ugali sufuria? To say I was shocked was an understatement. I sympathized with him and but could not offer him a way out or an increase in salary. 

The government has lost touch with the people’s reality and if unchecked they may find themselves with a people’s revolt. We live in a time where everything is taxed, insecurity is rampant and access to our politicians is impossible unless in our dreams. When was the last time you saw your MP, Governor, Senator, Women’s Rep or country rep in person other than on TV. I don’t even k now who my county rep is or how I can contact him in case of any problems affecting my community. This is also my fault in that I seem content and have never looked for him/ her and tried to address an issue affecting where I live. We have become complacent and grumble about issues as we sip our beverages but come tomorrow morning NARC (Nothing Actually Really Changes). Change begins with us and our effort.

As GG Kariuki said “Read the constitution to know your rights and the bible to know God.” These two will help you navigate life.

Cowards Attack

I have been searching for words to express the horror and atrocity that was the Westgate Mall attack and every time I think I have come up with the right emotions to express the sheer disgust and magnitude of the event, I find that anger rears its ugly head up and will not allow me to be objective in thought and action. Every man likes to say “I wish I had a gun” but the truth is that most of us are extremely emotional and temperamental thus having a loaded gun in our hands would lead to catastrophe and as an added bonus, a stint as a guest of the state at some of their less than fair infamous lodgings. That said, I have always said that all it takes for evil to exist is for one person to do nothing. With the mall attack there were a number of people who wanted to show boat and run/ manage the situation, flow of information and gain glory at the end of the ordeal. Unfortunately, as a result of their actions or inaction  things went extremely wrong. It was a cacophony of blunders even as a few people went about gallantly doing the right thing by saving lives, giving first aid, helping out in any way possible or how they knew.

Most of us are old enough to know where they were the first time we heard about a terrorist attack in Kenya i.e. the US embassy bombing in Nairobi in 1998, we either knew someone who was injured, died or got caught up in that attack. I still have not to date gone near or inside the famous bell-bottom house. Fast forward through the years and we had a few more incidents such as: hotel bombing in Kanamai Mombasa, grenade attacks all over Kenya and, we now have the Westgate Mall Attack. This time as before, yet again we knew someone who perished in the attack, was injured or was caught up in the attack. From a neighbor, to a friend, to family, the horrible act landed at our doorstep and has made us all question the question of mortality, where we are in life, achievements, dreams, family etc. 

For one of my friends it was a near brush with death that would have wiped out 3 generations. A loss none of us should ever experience or could ever comprehend unless we are in those shoes. It is one of those moments that literally force you to stop, take a step back and re-examine what is important in our lives. A lot has always been said of the Indian community that resides in Kenya but the show of solidarity, organization, help they gave and exhibited during the entire period is nothing short of miraculous and inspiring. As a community they stood up, took charge and acted as a mini government whereas the real government was still stumped on the way forward. The Red Cross under Abbas Gullet has really come out of the shadows and shown us it is an organization worth having and contributing to. We have always grown up seeing those tins at the checkout counter of Uchumi for red cross, Kenya first aid etc. where we can drop our coin change but what we should all strive to do, is to commit to doing something or helping change and strengthen such organizations. Next time it could be you and your family who need their help. To the Kenya Police “Utumishi kwa wote” kudos on changing the perception people have of you. I saw policemen run into the mall without bullet proof vests to save people they do not know. They risked their lives for total strangers and we only seem to appreciate them only when we need their help in the dead of the night. To KDF, they say it is your job to protect the borders of Kenya and its people but a thank you should be expressed to the solders that came to help quell the attack (blunders not withstanding) and stop the carnage. Everyone played their part and in the end the heinous act was eventually stopped.

Now the hard part starts and the painful and hard questions have to be asked. The buck must stop somewhere and heads must roll. Top of my head I can come up with a few pertinent questions like:

1. Is it not time to restructure the intelligence service from top to bottom with not only new leadership, manpower, equipment but also by injecting new ideas and ways to keep up with the changing times?
2. Don’t we need an inter-agency group that shares information both vertically and horizontally instead of passing the buck when a problem occurs?
3. Dubious foreigners have a lot of dubious investment in the Kenyan economy, my question has always been, where is the central government, central bank and KRA in the checking of money laundering? Some have distorted the real estate sector paying premiums of over 100%. Does this mean that their businesses do better than the indigenous Kenyan?
   The locals who benefit from such shady deals of working with the financiers of terrorism should rethink this for the sake of the future and as a “persuasion tactic” why can’t gains gotten from this kind of activity should be seized and used to fund the war on terror?

To those who lost someone in the attack or were injured, our heat felt condolences and prayers go out to you and your families. To those who survived, the scars of that afternoon will always be with you and all I can say is instead of being a victim, stand up strong and forge on with life. As you solder on, Kenyans will be with you and the message we will give to the terrorists who commit such heinous acts is that we are stronger, more united and we shall not be broken by cowardly acts such as these. May God always protect us and be our shield and defender.

Value Of A Customer

So finally the dreaded July weather is beginning to show signs that it has finally arrived. The weather has been of late playing games with people by blowing cold at night and early morning while summer hot during the day from 10a.m. With the change in weather to cold it is naturally the time of the year when coffee houses rejoice and become meccas for those tying to keep warm. Knowing this is a coffee houses Christmas period, you would think they would be rolling out the red carpet and making sure they secure your wallet to their establishment instead of giving their competitors a chance to knock them off the totem pole. 

In today's competitive service oriented sector it is absolutely crucial to have a mobile working staff with a stellar gold standard level of service. One bad experience and you would lose customers very fast. Allow me to exemplify an example of what not to do. One day I walked into a Java outlet and politely asked a waitress if I could share a table with someone as it was very packed. She proceeded to ask the closest person who happened to be seated near the entrance and it was a done deal. Fast forward 45 minutes later and I had not been served or a waitress approaching to with a menu to ask what I would have. Never mind that the same waitress had just seated me and did not bother to ask me for my order. Mind you this is a coffee house restaurant so it falls under fast food service when it comes to orders. So there I sat tapping away at my laptop until I had to complain to corporate on twitter in order for me to get someone to serve me let alone prompt service. In my head I am seated there thinking, how many people go through this exact “level” of service at this particular location in a day, then calculate to a week, month and lastly a year. The cost of losing a customer let alone a loyal customer is priceless.

Nairobi Java has a lot of competition and in this market and I think being one of the market leaders has made it become complacent in terms of service standards and food delivery. If I were to use myself as an example of a loyal customer and the value of having me as a loyal and repeat customer, I could probably calculate my worth to the organization thus:

I have a minimum of 2 cups of coffee a day and being in my line of business I am always on the go. Thus at least one of these cups is normally a take away from a coffee establishment. Every Tuesday since April 2010 I have always gone for breakfast at Java Adams arcade/ Junction and now Valley arcade as it is near home. If you do a price analysis, you would get the following:

1 double house coffee per day 170 *5= 850*4= 3400*12= 40,800

Tuesday breakfast 880*4= 3520*12= 42240

Total yearly spending 40,800 + 42,240= 83,040

By law of averages baring being out of town , sickness, family holidays etc., lets us be conservative in nature and say I only visited 70% of the time, you would still get  58,128/- as my minimum value to your organization yearly. This does not factor in my wife’s participation and the people I may meet there who are a value unto themselves. Mind you my wife is a lawyer who spends most of her time at Java mama ngina and java upperhill as she meets with friends and clients. Now if I was to take her minimum value same as mine, you would get 116,256/- as a couple/ family. If I were to complain and say you lose an average of about 2 customers a month at the end of the year you would have 24 customers and at an average of 50,000 per customer you are looking at 1,200,000/- per year minimum just because of lack of customer service and we are not taking into account those who never return because of a bad experience with food or any number of issues. In today’s economy can we say this is acceptable figures for a company that has Dormans, The Mug, Savana, Art caffe and a number of other coffee shops as competitors?

Dear Java it is time to wake up and smell the coffee (pun intended) before you lose customers in droves.

Why do Kenyan companies hate their customers so much?

Customer service is defined as provision of services to customers before, during and after purchase thus, customer service is a series of activities designed to enhance the level of customer satisfaction – that is, the feeling that a product or service has met or exceeded the customer expectation. That being the case, using the definition above as a guide to your everyday interaction with most companies in Kenya, do you feel they meet or exceed your expectation or do they fall way below average? I recently had a drink with a couple of friends and we were discussing provision of services in different establishments they had visited that week and the horror stories were astounding.

Horror story one: Kenya Commercial Bank (KCB), Gigiri Branch. You walk in and are determined on adding your spouse as a signatory to your account. After standing in line for what seems like eternity with no sign of free food, the “helpful” lady serving you produces a bunch of papers for you to sign and requests you to sign forms for opening a new account. You inform her you don’t want a new account you just want to add your spouse as a signatory to your account, which she promptly replies NO, you have to open a new account. When you ask why and how come the lengthy process, she gives a flimsy reason and tells you that is the way. She also requests you for paper work, proof of income and a copy of your utility bill plus your ID is photocopied 4 times and you end up spending about 2-3hours in the banking hall. When you politely point out this is all information she has as you have been with this bank and branch for years, she acts like she has not heard your pleas and you have to sign or forget it. Where is the common courtesy or the customer relationship management (CRM) meant to be helping you make life easier when you walk into their establishment? Lastly you request for a change of branch to one closer to where you stay and the request is denied. Since when did a bank or bank employee have such powers as to determine where you can bank and transact your business. Dear KCB, you do know there are other banking establishments out there that have competitive products and services and, they are your competitors?

Horror story two: You are a customer with the famous bank ya mwanchi known as Equity bank. The atms and systems go down two weeks ago so you walk into the bank to do some transactions and withdraw money to pay your rent. After lining up for about 3 hours the counter and bank closes. Please note you are in the banking hall but can’t be served because systems are down and none of the staff in the said bank branch thought it prudent to inform the customers that the systems were down, please come back tomorrow as we can’t access any account information thus we are not in a position to help you. Never mind they are still accepting your money for deposits. So there you are having taken an afternoon off work, wasted your time and energy and have to go home and give your landlord the story of “my dog ate my homework”. Common courtesy and a proactive customer service department would have saved you all this time and hassle and still managed to retain you as a customer but as Equity claims it has millions of mwanchis as customers, so losing a few will not matter or affect the bottom line.

Horror story three: Zuku, my infamous favorite service provider who is more famous for outages and interacting with customers only when it suits them. So a few months ago a friend decides to migrate to Zuku and their triple play offer from one of the other internet service providers who were over charging and not supplying the said services they were being paid for. Problem is that the triple play has been a rumor most of the time. Either the internet is down or the TV does not work. Kindly note the phone has never worked and my friend is convinced it’s a house ornament that they give. So she calls customer service which is famous for phone operators mumbling their names so that you don’t hear and thus cannot complain about the shoddy work and tech support they give.  She has been complaining about the phone and being told to change ports. Now if you are non tech compliant, will you know what port they are talking about or will you think you are being told to move from Mombasa port to the soon to be built Lamu port? Secondly she decides she wants to change her Wi-Fi password and name, the tech person on the other side of the line informs her to disconnect the whole equipment and carry it to their office where they will sort it out for her. What nonsense is that? I have never heard of such a laughable idea especially when I know that all you have to do is give them your account number and they do it from their end as you wait on-line. Dear Zuku, faiba is here with their amazing adverts and speeds, kindly note it’s not a monopoly you have.

Horror story four: Kenya Airways, you have gone and created a disaster and public relations nightmare just because it happened on a weekend and we all know how people in that organization like their weekend tipple. How can a plane on its way to Nairobi from Amsterdam make an emergency landing in Greece and you decide to leave the passengers to fend for themselves? This is not an episode of Lost or the movie Terminal with Tom Hanks. Get up off your lazy asses and do your job without being prompted. You have Elderly people, unaccompanied children and sick people on that flight who not only deserve better but have paid for your services to be brought from destination A to destination B. Remember the little people (the children) are future customers you have wronged and ignored, when they grow up do you think they will use your services, the “Pride of Africa”?

To all these Kenyan companies that think Kenyans are there to provide them with profits as they render no services, I’ll leave you with this gem of wisdom “all it takes for a business to fail is for one customer to complain about your services and infect 10 people around them with negative attitude towards your business”. You do the maths and let me know if your business plan still works with negative inflow of customers.

Happy New Government

It’s been a while since I sat down to blog something and have truly missed the interactions following each blog. The reasons vary from laziness to creative block. Hopefully the new energized and trying to be more efficient I 2.0 will be typing them out as fast as you can read them. In addition, I will be taking a bit of a detour from the political themed and satirical blogs to those bordering on more day to day happenings.

I am a Kenyans Kenyan at heart. I believe in our country, its potential, people and endless beautiful scenery. The true if it’s free enjoy and don’t knock it person, one of accept and move on movement people. But, the mediocrity that is Kenya keeps making me want to scream out and ask at what time do we say enough is enough and draw a line in the sand? Being a man, we are not adept at screaming so you turn to your fellow bar patron and nod as you have a big swig of your whiskey. We all know how the elections went and the soap opera that came after that. It was as nail biting as an episode of 24 or Lost. We all sat glued to our Google set boxes (TVs) and watched each day with bated breath. When the curtains finally came down, it was jubilation for some and sour disappointment for others, depression for others and happiness for others. Then came the media and every other person who had found their voice, jamming down the accept ad move on mantra every 5 minutes as if Kenyans were about to degenerate into the debacle that was 2007PEV. In one of our proudest moments, Kenyans showed each other and the world that they are bigger than the selfishness of the political class that sings ballads and serenade us with words that would convince a Lion not to eat an antelope as they are bosom friends.

What transpired after accept and move on have been episodes of lunacy. First off, even before the MPs had taken office and started working they decided they wanted a major pay hike and gave the Kenyan electorate the middle finger. We all watched as they threatened and managed to hold the government ransom and the president just sat there with hollow words of please don’t. In which company or job do you rock up and demand a pay hike/ increase even before doing one day’s work? Next came the first scandal of the new government with the deputy president getting a private jet to jet set and visit some countries in West Africa that most Kenyans can’t pronounce or point out on a map. The total cost of the trip kama kawaida was pillowed and fattened by some fellow who pocketed some loose millions as pocket change for the whole fiasco. The usual denials followed and threats to the daily paper that broke the story that they will be sued if they don’t retract the story and apologize forthright but nothing came out of that when more information was put in the public domain for them to decide on its viability. Next a cabinet was named that made Kenyans think that a major change was coming and we were finally learning that professionalism in the way we run the country was finally here. Alas we were hoodwinked with some questionable characters and a vetting process that is now known as a giant rubber stamp commission.

As expected and envisioned, soon after the MPs oops Mpigs awarded themselves some extra pocket money, the nurses and teachers unions sat down and sharpened their knives for the inevitable kichinjiyo. When one sees a fattened animal on a farm, we always start thinking of the next meal. Thus a strike or two have been called and a couple of go slows put in motion. We have had and continue to have major security issues engulfing Kenya and teachers on extended holiday due to the strike they have called courtesy of the new militant face of KNUT known as General Sossion. He rekindles memories of the late Adongo who was the face and head of KNUT in years passed. Their gripe is that if over 50 billion Kenya shillings can be passed for project laptop then surely teachers who have suffered for years can also be sorted mara pap. The laptop for standard one children was a major selling point and campaign pledge for the current government no matter how impracticable and unattainable it is. I have nieces and nephews who are in standard one and nursery who loose like 5 pencils a week and their whole bag just to see how stressed a parent can get, what makes you think a standard one child will take care of a laptop? Secondly if you don’t pay the teachers who are meant to teach them how to use them or let alone own one so they know how to utilize one when they see one, how do you hope they will readily accept and implement the project when they are starving, walking to school and have no medical for their family? It is common knowledge that if you have major distractions in your life such as basic day to day survival, you will not concentrate and give the task in front of you your full 100%. In my opinion, the laptop project should have been geared towards the university and college students who need it more than the standard one kid plus the teachers so they can better impart knowledge. That said I can’t wait to see how my God daughter Emma, my niece Abby and my nephew Owuor (namesake) handle theirs next year when they are distributed.

Lastly we have the new face of get rich scheme handlers known as governors. They were elected and I don’t think they have a clue as to what their role is. Week one saw them set up camp and launch a supremacy battle between them and the county commissioners who they say are in office illegally. Next they waited for the government to take them for a retreat at the Great Rift Valley lodge only for them to hijack the event after the president’s address and say they want personalized number plates and flags on their cars. My God those are things a 4 year old should be grappling with and wanting on his toy cars. Next they decide they need big mansions in their areas, offices in Nairobi and create budgets that have reduced them to laughing stocks. Take the example of Kakamega governor and his cabinet that passed a budget for over 50 million in entertainment, 8 million for local travel and over 15million for pornography awareness. The excesses vary over the whole country from Kisumu governor wanting 72million for new prados for his cabinet, Busia governor 70million for a new mansion and Meru governor over 300million for new cars. Mr. GOVERNOR this is not your personal get rich kitty or personal account to live out your fantasy life. In the time it will take you to identify, buy the land and start building you will be out of office and enjoying your local brew under the shade of the tree in the corner of your small shamba wondering where everything went wrong. This is not to say they are all a sad bunch of Muppets. Some like Machakos governor Alfred (Alfie)Mutua of the cobra squad fame and former government spokesman , Nairobi governor Evans Kidero and Cyprian Awiti Homabay governor are doing a fantastic job and know why they are in office. We wish all the characters in this show known as “The Governors” all the best and hope sense prevails and they make devolution work. Remember Mr. Governor there is now a recall clause and it comes up in about 2-3 years and Wanjiku and Otieno are watching keenly.